This topic is never an easy one to discuss, but it has become so necessary! Even as I sit here and write my experience, I’m like crap! Do I really want to tell everyone what I’ve been through?! They are going to think I’m crazy! I use to tell myself things like “This is so embarrassing” “I feel like a crazy person” “why is this happening to me?!” My journey with PPD started after the loss of my angel baby Gabriella❤️ I was 26 weeks 6days pregnant when I was told they could not find my baby’s heart beat 💔 I will never forget the empty expressions on the nurses’ face’s as they tried not to panic while desperately searching for that sweet sound of life. To backtrack a little bit what caused concern for me was I noticed a decrease in her movement, so I decided to check on her. Apart of me knew upon walking into those ER doors that my daughter had passed before the nurses and doctor confirmed, but another part of me was in denial and went completely numb in that moment. I will never forget after the ultrasound confirmed my sweet angel had passed, looking over at my now fiancé falling to the floor panicking in disbelief or the blank stares of my mother💔 writing this brings tears to my eyes! I swear I don’t wish this on ANYBODY! I remember moments after hearing those words “I’m so sorry Saroya” climbing out of the hospital bed and running to the bathroom collapsing on the floor and I kid you not I spoke the words “God I TRUST YOU, I TRUST YOU, I TRUST YOU” I don’t think I will ever understand why this happened to me and to be honest I still have moments of being angry and it’s going on 4 years next month 💔 During my healing journey I’ve tried to go to group therapy and I’ve read books about infant and pregnancy loss, but for me it was a constant reminder and quite frankly I was tired of crying. So I did something that I don’t recommend people do when healing and that is bury my feelings and try to “keep busy” thinking my hurt would go away and it definitely hasn’t! It got to the point where I decided to try antidepressants to help me cope. Now I feel there is nothing wrong with going this route, but for me it didn’t work out because I got very sick due to certain side effects of the medication. So I continued to keep myself busy with school. There was a time where I didn’t want to talk about what happened at all! Then the following year I become pregnant with my rainbow baby Ava! I won’t lie I was a nervous wreck majority of that pregnancy. It was full of so many emotional roller coasters that I battled within myself. That anxiety carried over after birth. I mean it was so bad I didn’t even want her own father holding her smh. When I successfully birthed her I just wanted to hold her forever! Fast forward to a few months after she was born I started noticing I was feeling down more so than not. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, I would hear her cry and I would get so numb that I wouldn’t move. There were times where I had to safely place her in her crib, close the door and walk away just to take a second for myself. I knew then something wasn’t right! I felt incredibly ungrateful because here I am God has blessed me with a MIRACLE and I’m over here feeling down all the time. I would feel so much guilt! I started having full blown panic attacks 💔 I thank my Heavenly Father that I had my fiancé there to be my strength when I felt I had NONE! He stepped up and did what he could to lessen my load. Even though he didn’t fully understand what PPD was about he kept praying for me. PPD definitely puts a strain on a relationship! Let me be the first to tell you only the STRONG survive! A little more time had passed and life got busier so I found myself consumed with being a new mom and a student (so I didn’t have much time to dwell on my feelings). Fast forward about 16 months later I gave birth to our son Aiden! Crazy I know right! That pregnancy wasn’t as stressful as when I carried my daughter, but there was always that “what if” running through my mind unfortunately. Mind you, anxiety and depression do not just go away just because you want them to. It is truly a daily battle that we have to be strong enough to FIGHT! So once again there I was now a mother of two beautiful babies and the unwanted feelings began again! This time on top of not wanting to get out of bed and feeling extremely down I started having very bad crying spells! The turning point for me was when I laid on my couch one day and started crying uncontrollably and my one year daughter walks up to me and starts rubbing my back saying “mommy mommy” 💔 That moment till this day HURTS like hell! I knew right then and there I couldn’t let whatever this was continue! My kids are watching me!!! If I wasn’t going to do it for myself I was damn sure going to figure it out for my kids! I tried antidepressants again and it’s just something about medications and my body that don’t mix so I had to stop and researched other alternatives! I went to see my doctor got some labs done and found out my vitamin D was very low and low vitamin D can impact your mood! I also started taking a magnesium supplement every other day (do your own research, but I’ve found many people have substituted antidepressants for magnesium and it has really made a difference!) I can only speak for myself that I feel it’s helped me a lot along with PRAYER! The more I start to give my worries to God it always seems to work itself out! I’m not saying I’ve found the magic cure (because I haven’t), but what I am saying is find what works for you❤️ Ladies let’s start being honest with ourselves for example when we take those depression questionnaires at our babies check up appointments or when you get to that 6 week check up, if you feel something isn’t right, I beg of you please speak up. It’s okay to not be okay as long as you seek the proper help for the sake of your child. They need their mother! You are not alone! Friends and family I ask you to check up on those new mommies AND daddies! Those first few months are ROUGH lol most parents know what I mean! I didn’t make this post to scare anybody who is currently expecting or who is thinking about bringing a piece of joy to this world, unfortunately we are human and we aren’t perfect, but it doesn’t mean we can’t survive it! If we aren’t mentally okay and stable we are no good to these babies that need us! Thank you all for taking the time to read my story. Until next time! Xoxo ❤️

*I repeat please do not take my advice on medications or supplements, please do your own research and consult with your doctor ❤️

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Available 24hrs, 7 days a week