This post is a letter dedicated to my rainbow baby who may not be able to read this now, but someday she will. Ava you gave me a second chance at being a parent! That will forever mean the world to me and we will always share a special connection. To know that God found me worthy to be your mother is an incredible feeling that will always keep me humble. I can’t wait to see who you will become and how much closer we will get and remain! I may not always know the right things to say or do, but one thing is for sure your mother and father will never give up on you or your brother. I pray that you always feel safe enough to come and confide in me and know it will always be alright as long as I’m breathing and even after I’m long gone. I hope and pray to provide a childhood you don’t have to recover from. My hope is that when you have your future children (if you want them lol) you will want them to experience a childhood similar to yours or even better ❤ That’s the goal baby girl! Mommy and daddy promise to do right by you and your brother ❤ I love you and can’t wait to read this to you someday, my sweet and sassy brown eyed miracle! Love Mommy ❤

“And she loved a little boy very very much, even more than she loves herself” ♥️

Today a year ago I birthed this beautiful soul into the world! This little boy has such a sweet spirit about him. He is a true sour patch kid lol. He can be sour when he wants, but ultimately he’s SWEET! I love our cuddles and our morning routine. I love waking him up to a smile which in return causes him to smile and bounce up and down ♥️ I’ve even gotten his sister in on it too ☺️

Yesterday we celebrated with close family and friends and the day was perfect in my eyes! I want to create memories for my kids to look back on and show their kids ♥️ That is so meaningful to me.

One thing I promised myself to do more of is to create physical things my family and myself can look back on. I live in a generation where everything is digital! I want to start printing pictures again and creaking keepsakes! I encourage others to do the same! I love looking at items like family photo albums (things like this can be passed down generations).

Y’all I cannot believe he’s one now! 😢 I now officially have two toddlers on my hands!!! Pray for me 🙌🏻

Let’s take a moment to admire this super dad here! Peep the hair tie on his wrist 😂 he’s always ready if our daughter or myself are ever in need LOL!

I want to say a special thank you to everyone that was involved in helping plan and helping the day of his celebration. We really appreciate every last one of you ♥️

One last thing I would like to add is , love your babies! Give them hugs and kisses, tell them you love them, tell/show them they mean so much to you, let them know how proud you are of them, motivate them and be consistent with your love. You’d be surprised how many people would tell you those things were not a common occurrence growing up. Until next time 😘

Becoming a mother has truly humbled me and taught me its more to it than the cute pictures you see on social media! Being a parent requires patience, sacrifices, and compromises! It took me a while to accept that I can’t just up and go as I please anymore. I had a little human, well now two depending on me to attend to their needs. As I sit here and reflect on my journey to becoming Ava and Aiden’s mommy I smile because my Heavenly Father saw me fit to be their mother! My heart is so FULL and THANKFUL! Watching them grow and learn new things amazes me all the time, even down to Ava’s new thing where she yells “I’m MAD” and crosses her little arms 😂 I wonder where she gets all that attitude 🤔 or Aiden who mustered up the courage to take his first steps at 11 months old. The simplest things about them amaze me♥️ it’s truly my mission to create a childhood my children won’t have to heal from ♥️ That’s all for now I just wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude towards motherhood ♥️

I had a hard time thinking of what to even write with today being what it is. Today my baby girl would have been celebrating her 4th birthday! I was supposed to be waking her up to hugs and kisses and singing to her, but now all my mind is left with is the what ifs. I thought that with time this would get a little easier, but each year this day approaches apart of me wishes it would never come. I still feel angry and as if I was robbed of a lifetime of memories together. I actually was. I’m still not sure why she had to be taken from me and I’m not sure I’ll EVER understand💔 I really wish I could just stay home all day and be in the comfort of my children, but no life must go on I guess…..

My mind is filled with so many questions today! I wonder who she would have grown to look more like mommy or daddy? I wonder what her first word would have been. How her first birthday would have went. What her first day of preschool would have been like. I wonder would she be as sassy as her sister?! Unfortunately I will never know…

All I have left are ultrasound pictures of my angel and pictures of her stretching my belly with her kicks!❤️ the memories of my sweet Gabriella I will always cherish ❤️

Here are some of my favorite pictures of our sweet short lived journey together ❤️

This picture makes me so happy because I remember how I was so sad that every Christmas after this I would be empty handed, God had other plans because my next child was born on Christmas Day ☺️❤️this pic was hilarious she was literally showing her ass 😂I know she would have been so silly ☺️I couldn’t wait to follow this picture up with a picture of her 💔the best nap I’ve ever taken I honestly didn’t want it to end ❤️

My favorite item of hers! I remember holding her as we took the longest nap together ☺️💕 before we departed each other ❤️

Moving forward i keep reminding myself how thankful I am to have the two living children that I do! Being a parent isn’t easy by any means, but when I tell you it’s SO WORTH IT, BELIEVE ME☺️ every year I will celebrate the memory of my baby girl and one day I will tell her siblings all about her ❤️ ✌🏻

Hey everyone welcome back to my blog! Below I just wanted to share my first experience making homemade soap! It actually was pretty simple! I’m not going to lie though I was a little heavy handed on the oils, but I suggest to play around with it each time you try! Until you find what’s perfect for you. I don’t mind it especially in the winter months our skin can use some extra oil haha!

In the picture above are some of the main ingredients I used! I chose to use sunflower oil and vitamin E oil due to their many benefits (I’m hoping they will work for my kids skin) which I will post later in this post! You can play around with whatever oil you feel will moisturize your skin. The oatmeal melt and pour soap base that you see in the glass bowl I found on amazon! I will link it later! That is 2 pounds, but I only used 1 pound. I was able to make 11 bars of soap!

I placed 1 pound of the soap base in the glass bowl and it took 3 and a half minutes to completely melt in the microwave ! You can also try it on the stove, but I had my 2 year old helping me so that was easier for us. I recommend stirring in between that time.

Here it is completely melted!

Next I poured the soap base into the soap molds that I also bought on amazon (will link at the end of post).

Once you pour the soap base in the molds that’s when you add in your ingredients mine included,

• raw organic honey 1 tsp

• vitamin E oil 1 tsp

• sunflower oil 1/2 tsp

• melrose oil 3 drops

• a few sprinkles of oats

And for scent I added lemon oil and an oil called cheer up buttercup 😂 pic below. I added 3-4 drops of each!

The lemon oil I picked up at target and the cheer up buttercup is from Whole Foods!

Once all the ingredients were placed in the soap molds I gave them a stir and placed in the fridge for a minimum of 2 hours! And BOOM done! ❤️ I know it may sound like a lot but it took about 10 mins to prep. What took the longest was waiting for the soap to solidify!

Here are the results of my first try making homemade soap ! Pretty cool! What you see in the center is the organic honey 🍯 I would suggest keeping the remaining bars you aren’t using in the fridge until they are ready to be used!

Honestly once you have a soap base that you like, get creative with the ingredients and do your research! 😊

Oh and for those that are thinking ” Girl ain’t nobody got time to be doing this, plus I like liquid soap anyway” 😂 I have a post for you at a later date 😉

*** Be sure to clean the bowl you used to melt the soap base as soon as possible because it will begin to solidify and make it hard to clean, but if that happens pop it back in the microwave and allow it to melt and it cleans easy! Below are a few informational pictures I retrieved from my favorite, PINTEREST! ❤️

Melrose Essential Oil 15ml by… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00WTNOLYM?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

BAKER DEPOT Silicone Mold for… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01HNJEY2K?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

Oatmeal- 2 Lbs Melt and Pour Soap… https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017GI78GW?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

So I actually used the soap on myself before my children and I actually like it y’all ! My skin feels soft and no irritation so far!

Until next time ✌🏻❤️😊

This topic is never an easy one to discuss, but it has become so necessary! Even as I sit here and write my experience, I’m like crap! Do I really want to tell everyone what I’ve been through?! They are going to think I’m crazy! I use to tell myself things like “This is so embarrassing” “I feel like a crazy person” “why is this happening to me?!” My journey with PPD started after the loss of my angel baby Gabriella❤️ I was 26 weeks 6days pregnant when I was told they could not find my baby’s heart beat 💔 I will never forget the empty expressions on the nurses’ face’s as they tried not to panic while desperately searching for that sweet sound of life. To backtrack a little bit what caused concern for me was I noticed a decrease in her movement, so I decided to check on her. Apart of me knew upon walking into those ER doors that my daughter had passed before the nurses and doctor confirmed, but another part of me was in denial and went completely numb in that moment. I will never forget after the ultrasound confirmed my sweet angel had passed, looking over at my now fiancé falling to the floor panicking in disbelief or the blank stares of my mother💔 writing this brings tears to my eyes! I swear I don’t wish this on ANYBODY! I remember moments after hearing those words “I’m so sorry Saroya” climbing out of the hospital bed and running to the bathroom collapsing on the floor and I kid you not I spoke the words “God I TRUST YOU, I TRUST YOU, I TRUST YOU” I don’t think I will ever understand why this happened to me and to be honest I still have moments of being angry and it’s going on 4 years next month 💔 During my healing journey I’ve tried to go to group therapy and I’ve read books about infant and pregnancy loss, but for me it was a constant reminder and quite frankly I was tired of crying. So I did something that I don’t recommend people do when healing and that is bury my feelings and try to “keep busy” thinking my hurt would go away and it definitely hasn’t! It got to the point where I decided to try antidepressants to help me cope. Now I feel there is nothing wrong with going this route, but for me it didn’t work out because I got very sick due to certain side effects of the medication. So I continued to keep myself busy with school. There was a time where I didn’t want to talk about what happened at all! Then the following year I become pregnant with my rainbow baby Ava! I won’t lie I was a nervous wreck majority of that pregnancy. It was full of so many emotional roller coasters that I battled within myself. That anxiety carried over after birth. I mean it was so bad I didn’t even want her own father holding her smh. When I successfully birthed her I just wanted to hold her forever! Fast forward to a few months after she was born I started noticing I was feeling down more so than not. I wouldn’t want to get out of bed, I would hear her cry and I would get so numb that I wouldn’t move. There were times where I had to safely place her in her crib, close the door and walk away just to take a second for myself. I knew then something wasn’t right! I felt incredibly ungrateful because here I am God has blessed me with a MIRACLE and I’m over here feeling down all the time. I would feel so much guilt! I started having full blown panic attacks 💔 I thank my Heavenly Father that I had my fiancé there to be my strength when I felt I had NONE! He stepped up and did what he could to lessen my load. Even though he didn’t fully understand what PPD was about he kept praying for me. PPD definitely puts a strain on a relationship! Let me be the first to tell you only the STRONG survive! A little more time had passed and life got busier so I found myself consumed with being a new mom and a student (so I didn’t have much time to dwell on my feelings). Fast forward about 16 months later I gave birth to our son Aiden! Crazy I know right! That pregnancy wasn’t as stressful as when I carried my daughter, but there was always that “what if” running through my mind unfortunately. Mind you, anxiety and depression do not just go away just because you want them to. It is truly a daily battle that we have to be strong enough to FIGHT! So once again there I was now a mother of two beautiful babies and the unwanted feelings began again! This time on top of not wanting to get out of bed and feeling extremely down I started having very bad crying spells! The turning point for me was when I laid on my couch one day and started crying uncontrollably and my one year daughter walks up to me and starts rubbing my back saying “mommy mommy” 💔 That moment till this day HURTS like hell! I knew right then and there I couldn’t let whatever this was continue! My kids are watching me!!! If I wasn’t going to do it for myself I was damn sure going to figure it out for my kids! I tried antidepressants again and it’s just something about medications and my body that don’t mix so I had to stop and researched other alternatives! I went to see my doctor got some labs done and found out my vitamin D was very low and low vitamin D can impact your mood! I also started taking a magnesium supplement every other day (do your own research, but I’ve found many people have substituted antidepressants for magnesium and it has really made a difference!) I can only speak for myself that I feel it’s helped me a lot along with PRAYER! The more I start to give my worries to God it always seems to work itself out! I’m not saying I’ve found the magic cure (because I haven’t), but what I am saying is find what works for you❤️ Ladies let’s start being honest with ourselves for example when we take those depression questionnaires at our babies check up appointments or when you get to that 6 week check up, if you feel something isn’t right, I beg of you please speak up. It’s okay to not be okay as long as you seek the proper help for the sake of your child. They need their mother! You are not alone! Friends and family I ask you to check up on those new mommies AND daddies! Those first few months are ROUGH lol most parents know what I mean! I didn’t make this post to scare anybody who is currently expecting or who is thinking about bringing a piece of joy to this world, unfortunately we are human and we aren’t perfect, but it doesn’t mean we can’t survive it! If we aren’t mentally okay and stable we are no good to these babies that need us! Thank you all for taking the time to read my story. Until next time! Xoxo ❤️

*I repeat please do not take my advice on medications or supplements, please do your own research and consult with your doctor ❤️

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

Available 24hrs, 7 days a week

This holiday season was filled with love and laughter despite both the babies being sick with a cold (eventually ending in two ER visits) but you could never tell by the smiles on their faces…well for most of the photos 😂 We not only celebrated Christmas, but our daughter turned TWO years old & her brother experienced his first Christmas ❤️ I have to say they are the best gifts I’ve ever received❤️ One of the reasons why I love capturing moments like this is because no matter what happens behind the scenes, these happy moments will last us forever!